A Wave in Time

    The timelessness of sadness rides so close to the surface as a small moan builds a wave that seeps for expression. My parfléche stretches, yet my head hurts to let the weeping out. I loosen the knot on my heart; expression stops without the use of a physical cork. Healing will take time.

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Time. Time to take responsibility and to go through the withdrawal that pulls sadness around me, cloaks me in my comfortable womb of pain where knowledge turns to wisdom. I can cry with the world of experience salting my tears.

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Time. Time to empty myself and wait to be filled, trust that universal spirit will fill me with anything better than the dreams I have of myself.

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Time. Time to surrender the limited version of my worldly self and await the awareness of Who I truly am. A foglight sweeps through the mist of my tears as I see lovers in a boat holding hands, the spring of eternity floating before their first kiss. The fruit of spirit moistens their untouched lips, separating the wavering veil of illusion that floats between the physical reality of their touch and the spiritual hope of their connectedness. Time calmly pauses in this threshold moment as the winds of desire awaken their hearts and teases the fears hidden in the deep crevices.

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Time. Timelessly my boat floats forward as I pick up the fishing pole of my personal history, check the rig for snags and knots. Clear, I cast out into the far waters, my hook heavily baited with the guilt and shame of my womanhood. The shades of red bob deep in the water as the current pulls at the string of regrets, resentments, and feelings of undeservingness that weighs the line. A small shiver breaks the water as my mind releases the heaviness of my heart into the last movements of an accurate cast.

***

 

Time. Time floats away as my breath crystallizes into airy vapour. Fresh energy fills my lungs, flows into my blood as I breathe deep, the uneasiness of my identity far away in the void created between water and land. My body rocks with the waves of memory, times where I found myself, only to cast myself away again into the turbulence of everyday reality. Waves of clutter break upon the stillness, at a moment's loss, attracts old games of failed temptations with new faces. Yet still I

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Time. Time in this moment, I understand. To flow with universal spirit, the sadness of time and experience must be released. To begin the unknown process of surrendering to the current of my own emotional physicality, by letting go of judgments, of self-definitions, and of control, seems hard to imagine. Only by leaping out of my boat and into the unknown can I hope to find the wave that will support this change.

***

 

It's time. I throw my rod, remove the layers of clothes that dress my parfléche and pull my prayers within my breath. Hope sways me forward, undulating my body into my depths. I break into my own waves as the boat drifts away. A surge of fear pulls me under, suffrocates my senses, convoluting my body into the womb of existence. All identity breaks and I am left only with the concepts of Spirit in my heart; the Druids, the trinity goddess, Yahweh…. The cognition shimmers within that these are only Spirit symbols I swallowed with my self-pity. The wave of these thoughts swell larger and larger until all breaks away. In the void of darkness, of the stillness that stands before I am, the light shines through, crests the darkness; the pulse of Universal Spirit, the All That Is swells, buoys me on the surface, breaks me with shaman's humility. My parfléche empty, I float comfortably on unconsciousness.

***

 

Time. Time is irrelevant as I open my eyes to the break of dawn. Laying on the crystalline beach, I feel my feet touch the rolling tide, water's breath inhaling and exhaling life through movement. My hair fires the tiny crystals in the sand as I raise myself on my elbow, my eyes locked on the orange hues bleeding throughout the lavender sky. My finger twitches and my attention sweeps to my other hand, clamped tight. Unlocking my grip, my heart surges as the double-terminated quartz crystal courses warmth through my naked body, electrifying my new found perception.